An Open Letter to Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Dear Mr. Gordon-Levitt,

First of all, congratulations. My facebook newsfeed exploded today with you performing "Bad Romance," and I'm pretty sure you single-handedly gained some new readers for Jezebel. So that's good. I'm also fairly confident that between you and Mad Men, men's suits are experiencing a renaissance. Not only that, but you're an actor it's okay to respect. In short, you've been popping up all over my radar ever since Inception came out, and that's not a bad thing.

Down to business. I'm writing to thank you for allowing me to cross an item off my summer to-do list on the very last night of summer. I started out the summer with a host of things to do, some more realistic than others, and one was to rid myself of a cumbersome crush on a former high school classmate. This was one of those crushes that had long outstayed its welcome, that would die down only to flare up again at the strangest moments, that would live off offhand comments and glances and, in general, leave the friendship feeling woozy.

Then I saw Inception. Somewhere between flirting with Tom Hardy and flying around a rotating hallway on invisible strings, you got me. It was subtle, though--I walked away from the theater praising the movie and complimenting your fitted suits, but not gushing--and it wasn't until I sat down a couple weeks later and, over the course of three days, watched Mysterious Skin, 500 Days of Summer, and Brick that I realized this might not be like my appreciation for Patricia Clarkson and everything she does, but rather more like the way I feel when Colin Firth, wearing wet clothes, runs into Jennifer Ehle in a bonnet.

Let's be real. You're the perfect guy for me right now, especially if you stand right there and don't move any closer. The beauty of my crush on you (and that's completely what it is--I'm not going to even pretend it's not--even though I've never really had a crush on someone I've never met before, Colin Firth notwithstanding) is that I don't have to deal with glimmers of hope. You don't know me, you'll never meet me, you'll never accidentally lead me on over tea. So I can just lust away in peace and enjoy the fun parts of having a crush.

This is running the risk of becoming a This I Believe essay. Why not? I believe in the power of an unreasonable crush to restore order, balance, and good humor, and to clear the way for future, realistic, and requited prospects. Plus you can't slap a poster of an acquaintance on a dorm room wall. So thank you, Joseph, you've made my summer productive and my heart a little lighter.

Best,
Nom de Plume

P.S. That photoshoot with Claudia Schiffer? I think I need to form a support network with Liam Neeson's character from Love Actually after seeing that. Whew.