Graduation went amazingly well. My nervousness dissipated the moment I hit the stage and I got quite a few laughs. Here, for those of you who weren't there, is the speech I gave:

So. Here we are. We’ve made it this far and now the time has come. Time for me to impart beautiful, bite-size nuggets of wisdom.
My dad says that all poetry is about sex. “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may?” Proof positive. “They Flee From Me” Previous sex. “To His Coy Mistress?” Sex. “The Solitary Reaper?” Sex. “In Flanders Field?” Sex, as it turns out.
After a while spent listening to him, it becomes clear that he doesn’t really believe it. Maybe his overanalyzing—under analyzing?—is the defense mechanism of an English major who never quite hopped on the poetry hayrack ride. Or maybe he was in college and it was the seventies and eeyouknow?
Experiences are what you bring to them, what you expect to get out of them. Walking into Uni your first time I bet you brought with you the desire for a good education, or the desire for friends who were more like you, or just the desire to be gone, fast. And now we’re all gone, or I guess getting gone. No more rolling out of bed for an 8 o’clock class in an overheated room while the sun burns pinpricks in our eyelids and the coffee courses through our bodies. No more panting, near-death fitness experiences. No more wrestling with your locker, which some idiot shut, again. No more sinking into the buxom embrace of the lounge couches. Uni lunches are done. Uni projects are done. Uni homework is done.
And Uni theater is done: the clothes that tear easily, the running around frantically, the smell of foundation, the frankly homoerotic grapplings backstage as cast members help each other during quick changes. I can’t speak to the sports teams, but I imagine it’s a lot of the same.
Experiences are what you bring to them. You all brought a lot to my Uni experience. To indulge in my most blatant cliché of the afternoon, it wouldn’t have been the same without you. Seriously, why are we so amazing? Some of you have run so fast, vaulted so high, dribbled so swiftly, swum so well that you’ve become heroes. Some of you have done such great things, such astonishing acts of goodwill that I’ve been left speechless. Some of you have doodled with the mastery of a great artist. Some of you have waved cheerily at just the right moment. Some of you have sung so beautifully that you’ve brought me near tears. Some of you have written such incredible things that I’ve been jealous, and seriously considered stealing your identity. Some of you have been my best friends, and some of you I haven’t gotten to know as well as I wanted. You’re the ones I’ll miss the most.
Experiences are what you bring to them. You all brought a lot to my Uni experience, but I’m sure that you brought even more to your own.
Experiences are what you expect to get out of them, so whether you’re going to school next year or taking time off, look forward to it. Look forward to something, even if it’s the end of this ceremony.
And if finding something to look forward to means reading Emily Dickinson looking for the naughty bits, go ahead.